I could not remember the last time I have written, either fact or a work of imagination. I could not recall the last creative thought that ever came out of my heavily seduced imagination. I could not remember the last words I wrote on a random notebook. I could not remember anything at all. I could not.
It seems as if that as I professionally grow, I have forgotten what it’s like to be a person of deep concentration and imagination. My spirit has been stuck in a rut many times, but this is totally the worst rut that I found myself in. I found no muse, no inspiration. Not an ounce of alcohol could drag me to the sobriety of writing. But the alcohol instead drowned me of what-ifs. One thing is for sure, that I age into adulthood and I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have childlike innocence.
Two weeks ago, I was in a tumultuous relationship with my self. My spirit was broken, my heart shattered into a million pieces and my mind fell into almost oblivion. The attention I craved, I took it all from those who were willing to give it to me, to those who were immediately available. I drowned my sorrows in the company of people who have little understanding of me and knew little of me. But their company, satisfied me for a bit. It was a denial of the reality that I am facing at the moment.
And as I read random articles I find in the internet, as I tried to pick a book to read and to teach myself to love reading again, I find that my passion has lost it’s spark. Anxiety and depression loomed in on me, swallowing the last of the light that I hold on to.
And now, I find myself in front of laptop. I’m trying to get a fell of the keys once again. I’m trying to get the jive of writing again with the earphones plug into my ears and a melody ringing through them. It is only in this way that I can write. It is only in this way that I am able to write. And I hope that I would not be able to stop writing. I crave not fame, but an outlet of my deep-seated loneliness.
Maybe someday, I will be able to write in an spontaneous or compulsive way. I never want to stop writing at the moment. I never want to stop ever.